The right way, the wrong way, or the way that I do it, Gentleman.

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An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?" "Yes, I know," said the lady. "But I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."
"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I bought this hat just yesterday!"

I don't have a clever title for this one, all I can say is that this guy is awesome

One night stands eh. Ha Ha Ha! Tell me something I don't Know, am I right buddy? Because I know all about one night stands, yes I do!

"I don't always do coke but when I do, I do it off the end of a fucking machete."

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Okay - first off - I only speak a little Spanish and my spelling's crap so please excuse. Anyway - me and a buddy had been travelling around Chile and Bolivia a few years back doing a bit of snowboarding. We had been trying to get our hands on some weed with very little joy. Anything we managed to score was really weak and the deals really poor. Finally we twigged that coke was the local stimulant of choice and was pretty readily available. Well it was the end of the holiday so we figured what the hell.

We'd had a fair few beers and were feeling pretty ballsy so we hailed a cab and I (as the only somewhat capable Spanish speaker) asked directly if he could take us somewhere where we could score some coke. The driver's cool with this and starts driving us around the dodgier neighbourhoods of downtown Santiago asking hookers and pimps and general lowlives if they can help us out.

Eventually this seriously rough looking mofo agrees and gets into the front seat beside the driver - me and my mate in the back. So this dealer turns around to face us and he's like 'Cuanto grammes quieres?' I'm like 'Solo uno - gracias'. He's all 'No - no, cinco'.

So i figure fuck it - why not? It's cheap as hell so I agree. He turns away fro a sec and when he looks back at us again I see he's holding a huge fucking knife, serrated edge and all and he's pointing it directly at me. I'm like - oh fuck. This is the bit where we lose all our money, passports and maybe a kidney. It's only then that I spot a little pile of white powder on the tip of the blade and he's like' Quieres probar?' So cool as anything I lean forward, snort it off the end of the dagger and like some fucking connoisseur I'm all ' Si - es bueno. Cinco grammes.' I felt like a badass motherfucker.

Fookin Sweet!

So this is the most interesting thing on the Internet today... Ok, it's over- everyone outside to play.

First Rule: Don't dip your pen in the company ink. Second Rule: Read the First Rule

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How To Have A Successful Office Romance

Chances are, you've gotten it on with a colleague. According to a 2009 survey by the job search Web site CareerBuilder.com, four out of 10 workers say they've dated a colleague at some point in their careers. Three in 10 say they married the person they dated at work.

The office seems to be a hotbed of romance and a more effective one than dating Web sites or the corner bar. Helaine Olen, co-author with Stephanie Losee of Office Mate: The Employee Handbook for Finding--and Managing--Romance on the Job , says the workplace is where most people find love these days. "The office has turned into the village of the 21st century," she says. "Where else do you spend 12 hours a day?"{Read on}

Red-necks should take metro-sexuals advice and wash their body more than once a week so they can get a girl with more than one tooth.

I believe in taking care of myself, in a balanced diet, in a rigorous exercise routine. In the morning, if my face is a little puffy, I'll put on an ice pack while doing my stomach crunches. I can do a thousand now.
I begin in the shower by exfoliating with a licorice scented 100% vegetable-based mud scrub bar made with dead sea mud, oatmeal, and glycerin to help clear impurities from the pores, smooth, cleanse, and moisturize my skin. I then lather with a citrus scented body cleansing gel. Little Robert Anthony wants to come and play.
On most mornings I use a glycolic facial cleanser that buffs away surface skin cells, leaving my skin smooth and ready for shaving. However, twice a week I substitute my normal cleanser with a special exfoliating facial scrub, which removes irrelevant skin cells, and frees ingrown hairs. The scrubs spherical beads roll over my face, cleaning and rejuvenating. Within the scrub, aloe vera and algae soothe, vitamin C nourishes and chamomile smoothes and refreshes.
To begin my shaving routine, I apply to my face and neck a small amount of pre-shave oil made of vegetable emollients to create slip for a smoother, easier shave, kola nut extract and chamomile to relieve inflammation, soothe and heal, bisabolol to calm and vitamin C to help protect skin from free radicals.
After the pre-shave oil absorbs into the skin, I apply either shave cream or gel with a traditional shave brush, crafted with molded chrome and featuring specially selected badger hair trimming. The brush warms the skin, raises hair for shaving and the badger bristles offer an invigorating morning massage that help to improve circulation.
I use a Merkur heavy duty double edge safety razor that is attractively styled with a hand-tooled, high-polish chrome finish. The solid and reliable grooming tool is heavier than other safety razors, for improved handling under extreme shaving conditions.After my shave, I rinse my face and generously splash on a mild astringent that tightens my pores and controls shine while soothing shaving irritation.
I then use an after shave balm which is a greaseless emulsion of natural plant extracts.Following my morning shower and shave, I dab a small portion of eye cream under and around my eyes. The cream has green tea and caffeine to reduce puffiness, cucumber extract and she butter to soothe, wheat protein and vitamin E which moisturizes and tightens the skin to reduce the appearance of fine lines.
There is an idea me, some kind of abstraction, but there is no real me, only an entity, something illusory, and though I can hide my cold gaze and you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping you and maybe you can even sense our lifestyles are probably comparable: I simply am not there.

All I want in a woman is perfection on every level. I have NO idea why this should be such an unreasonable demand.

Title Quote ~ Scriblerus, on Everything2 {Via}

ETAONRISHDLFCMUGYPWBVKXJQZ ~ letters of the alphabet, in order of usage frequency in English.

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Q:What letter of the alphabet is an insect?
A: B. (bee)

Q: What letter is a part of the head?
A: I. (eye)

Q: What letter is a drink?
A: T. (tea)

Q: What letter is a body of water?
A: C. (sea)

Q: What letter is a pronoun like "you"?
A: The letter " I "

Q: What letter is a vegetable?
A: P. (pea)

Q: What letter is an exclamation?
A: O. (oh!)

Q: What letter is looking for causes ?
A: Y. (why)

Q: What four letters frighten a thief?
A: O.I.C.U. (Oh I see you!)

Q: What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment but not once in a thousand years?
A: The letter "m".

Q: Why is the letter "T" like an island ?
A: Because it is in the middle of waTer.

Q: In what way can the letter "A" help a deaf lady?
A: It can make "her" "hear.

Q: Which is the loudest vowel?
A: The letter "I". It is always in the midst of noise

Q: What way are the letter "A" and "noon" alike?
A: Both of them are in the middle of the "day".

Q: Why is "U" the happiest letter?
A: Because it is in the middle of "fun".

Q: What word of only three syllables contains 26 letters?
A: Alphabet = (26 letters)

Q: What relatives are dependent on "you"?
A: Aunt, uncle, cousin. They all need "U".

No… I'm not gonna explain it anymore times.

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A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of no where, parks his bike and walks inside.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00

HAMBURGER: $2.25

CHEESEBURGER: $2.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50

HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive blonde female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"

The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes, I sure am".

The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".

Someone, somewhere, will look great in these. I’m hoping that someone is you, or that you can be suckered into buying them by a girl ...

...you’re trying to bed.
Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that
keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.






At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the shit out of him.

Diary of a Viagra housewife...

Day 1

Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate.When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

Day 2

Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.

Day 3

This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.

Day 4

A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem'. It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work.I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.

Day 5

What absolute bliss!!.

Day 6

Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.

Day 7

This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.

Day 8

I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.

Day 9

No time to write. He might catch me.

Day 10

Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....

Day 11

I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.

Day 12

I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous...

Day 13

Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile... I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the ******.

Day 14

I've done everything to turn him off.. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me!

Day 15

I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over anymore. Last night I told him to go and **** himself and he did.

Day 16

The ******* has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.

Day 17

Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference...Christ! Here he comes again!

Day 18

He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!