Monday, August 9, 2010

So no sexy time then? That's how every sex story should end.

I came home from work hot and ready to get it on with my boyfriend. We started making out, clothes came off, then his toenail cut me in the leg. He hadn't trimmed them in months? years? they were like claws and I started bleeding. He then proceeded to tell me he had to poop.

Trojan Extended Pleasure Condoms.
Good long round of foreplay. Condom on and boner was dead. Took it off and couldn't get restarted. We just watched some Law and Order instead.

I was cycling across France, and picked up a cute Italian girl.
Things were getting steamy, she had her top off, and I was kissing her breasts.
She said "Aww - you miss your mother..."

Girlfriend starts telling me sex stories with previous boyfriends while giving me a handjob. Limp Noodled pretty quick.

A few friends and I were out drinking one night, 3 of us and a girl that tagged around who was very slutty. After going back to our condo after a night of liquor and sliding down a Slip N Slide at 2 in the morning, nude, in an upscale neighborhood, one friend immediately went into the bathroom with her in tow, and soon they're fucking.
There's one guest bedroom with a single bed and my other friend and I decide to sleep head to toe since it was a king size. About 20 minutes later, squeaky clean from screwing in the shower, the girl waltzes in naked and still wet.
She hops into the bed and my friend looks at me quizzically and I nodded my head to indicate I was down with this.
A few minutes into it I had my dick inside of her, she was on her left side on the bed and I was going at her from behind and my friend was standing beside the bed with his dick in her mouth.
She suddenly projectile vomits on my friend's crotch, a pinkish concoction and what in closer inspection as we were cleaning it up later, what seemed to be our other friend's cum. Upon seeing this puke of tremendous proportions I hop out of bed, and then hear the most ungodly sound imaginable.
A liquid stream of brown shit exploded out of her ass and all over the bed and I start shouting, cursing, and laughing at the same time. She throws up two more times and then finally passes out within ten seconds.
With looks of awe on our faces, we grabbed our clothes, left her in the bedroom with her new decorations, and slept on the kitchen floor.

0.0000001 seconds - During a lap dance - I've got a raging hard-on when the sexy black stripper shows me her cock.

I had been hanging out with this girl for a couple of days... you know making out, having dirty conversations and exchanging naughty pictures. She came over one night and everything was going great, we where watching a movie and being really touchy feely so I had a raging boner and then for some reason she told me she had recurrent vaginal infections in which she would pee chunks of flesh every other month or so, I was so disgusted I don't even remember the whole speech she gave me.
Needless to say my boner died rather quickly and now I can't see her without thinking about it which is a shame because she was smoking hot.

We came home from a wonderful evening of drinking at the bar. We kissed, we laughed, we went to bed...
As she climbed on top, and we began what was to be at least a weekend's worth of ecstasy - she sighed, then slowed, then sighed again, and stopped.
"It really bothers me you were late tonight" she said.
"Are you serious, do you really want to have this conversation now?" I replied. Looking back, it was a unique experience to try and have a serious chat while my cock was still inside her.
Her mood grew darker, my boner went flaccid, evening destroyed. I caught a cab home 20 minutes later.
In retrospect, yes it was inconsiderate of me to be late that evening. However, I maintain I am not an inconsiderate person. I had been working long hours starting at 6am, came home at 6pm, fell asleep on my back fully clothed, and woke up at 8pm instead of 7pm.

16 years old, sophomore in High School. Meet a girl on a cruise ship. We start to hook up, clothes start coming off. I realize I am about to get the first, long anticipated blowjob of my life. She is about to get to work when she looks up at me, with big innocent blue eyes, and says:
"Did you know it's possible to bite a dick off?"

We're going at it on the floor and she is on top of me, I'm kinda drunk and not really seeing straight and her face is right in front of the light. Big halo around her head added to a decent buzz is giving me images of an angel. I tell her she looks like an angel, she responded something about being a devil and I said it again; and she looses it, full on mental break down.
I'm trying to figure out how to gracefully remove myself from the situation....... and, well, from her also when she tells me why she freaked. 10 seconds in and junior has made his own goodbyes and disengaged us. What a fucked up night.