Wednesday, August 18, 2010

My Kinda Stuff

Opposition poster for the 1866 election. Geary...Image via WikipediaI've just come out of the chippy with a meat and potato pie, large
chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.   A poor homeless man sat there and
said, 'I've not eaten for two days.'  I told him, 'I wish I had your fucking
will power.'
A woman buys a wall mirror from B & Q.  The Manager asks, 'Would you
like a screw for that mirror?' 'No,' she said, 'but I'll suck your cock for
a lawn mower.'
I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today. Apparently the
instruction 'finish off on her face' didn't mean what I thought it did.
A fat bird served me food in McDonalds at lunch time. She said
'Sorry about the wait.' I replied, 'Don't worry you fat bitch, you'll lose
it eventually.'
One of life's great mysteries - How is it that a woman can fit an
eight-inch vibrator into her half inch snatch IN THE DARK, but can't fit an
eight-foot car into a fifteen-foot parking space IN BROAD FUCKING
Marriage counselor to a couple who are contemplating divorce: 'Tell
me something both of you have in common.'   Husband, after a long awkward
silence, 'Well neither of us sucks cock.'
Snow he!  The weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight.
I thought to myself, 'With a face like that, she'll have to get fucking
I have a new chat up line that works everytime!!  It doesn't matter
how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I
always end up in bed with them ... Here's how it goes, 'Excuse me love,
could I ask your opinion?  Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to
My girlfriend says the hardest thing in the world is to balance a
career and a family. She's obviously never tried to balance a laptop on her
knees while having a wank.
SKY SPORTS BREAKING NEWS:  It has been announced that next year's
shirt sponsor for TIGER WOODS will be Tampax.  A spokesman for Tampax said,
"To sponsor a cunt going through a bad period is exactly what our company is
all about."

5000 men surveyed were asked why they like blowjobs:
1% liked the warmth
2% liked the sensation
3% liked the eroticism
94% just liked the peace and quiet
Just wanted to let you know that in 2010 I will no longer be
forwarding or sending racist jokes.  Racism is a crime.  And crime is for
black people.
I was having great sex today when just as we got towards the climax,
my wife completely ruined the moment and said those words that just fills a
man's heart with fear, dread and panic ... "Hi Honey, I'm home."