Image via WikipediaI've just come out of the chippy with a meat and potato pie, largechips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and
said, 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your fucking
will power.'
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A woman buys a wall mirror from B & Q. The Manager asks, 'Would you
like a screw for that mirror?' 'No,' she said, 'but I'll suck your cock for
a lawn mower.'
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I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today. Apparently the
instruction 'finish off on her face' didn't mean what I thought it did.
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A fat bird served me food in McDonalds at lunch time. She said
'Sorry about the wait.' I replied, 'Don't worry you fat bitch, you'll lose
it eventually.'
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One of life's great mysteries - How is it that a woman can fit an
eight-inch vibrator into her half inch snatch IN THE DARK, but can't fit an
eight-foot car into a fifteen-foot parking space IN BROAD FUCKING
DAYLIGHT???
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Marriage counselor to a couple who are contemplating divorce: 'Tell
me something both of you have in common.' Husband, after a long awkward
silence, 'Well neither of us sucks cock.'
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Snow he! The weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight.
I thought to myself, 'With a face like that, she'll have to get fucking
lucky!'
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I have a new chat up line that works everytime!! It doesn't matter
how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I
always end up in bed with them ... Here's how it goes, 'Excuse me love,
could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to
you?'
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My girlfriend says the hardest thing in the world is to balance a
career and a family. She's obviously never tried to balance a laptop on her
knees while having a wank.
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SKY SPORTS BREAKING NEWS: It has been announced that next year's
shirt sponsor for TIGER WOODS will be Tampax. A spokesman for Tampax said,
"To sponsor a cunt going through a bad period is exactly what our company is
all about."
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5000 men surveyed were asked why they like blowjobs:
1% liked the warmth
2% liked the sensation
3% liked the eroticism
94% just liked the peace and quiet
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Just wanted to let you know that in 2010 I will no longer be
forwarding or sending racist jokes. Racism is a crime. And crime is for
black people.
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I was having great sex today when just as we got towards the climax,
my wife completely ruined the moment and said those words that just fills a
man's heart with fear, dread and panic ... "Hi Honey, I'm home."
