I live right near the overpass of a highway. Under this overpass dwells a man I call Mitchy the Bug. Mitchy's real name (or so he tells me) is "You're Dick." That's not a typo on my part. He told me, in very specific terms, that Your is spelled You're. Whatever. I guess your (or you're) priorities are shifted around a bit when you live under a road in the sky.
Mitch has been living there for some time. I see him every day. I've always wondered what Mitch's deal was. So, today, I wrote up a list of questions for Mitchy the Bug to answer, just so I can get to know my local crazy guy a little better. Here is what he replied with:
How many years have you been crazy?
A fortnight times the strength of the sun, my friend.
What were you like before you went crazy?
Just an average Joe. I liked to saw wood. I liked to watch ladies shower at the gym. I liked swimming with trout. I liked pretending I was a lady so I could shower with the ladies at the gym to see if an alternate version of me would watch me shower. You know, just normal guy stuff.
Where were you born?
In the cornea of Buddha's third eye. It's a suburb of East Lansing, Michigan.
What's your daily schedule like?
I usually wake up at around 6 am. By 6:05 I'm yelling at cars for being too much like wizard dicks.
Wow, so you start that early?
Yeah, I accuse more automobiles of evil wizardry and homosexuality before 6:05 than most people do all day. I pride myself on it. There goes a malevolent wizard dick now. Don't you think about casting your plus-6 magic wiener missile at me, wizard dick! I'm protected by my Mad Dog 20/20 potion! I took like 8 potions an hour ago! I'm so protected I'm puking up protection! Sorry, anyway, what was your question?
What's your average day like?
Oh, right. Well, after the yelling at cars I like to morally demean cats by calling them very hurtful names, and I like to read the news printed on the various used condoms that get flung at me in the night.
News on condoms?
Yeah, in the night I get a lot of news paper blown my way. I usually ignore it, but whenever the freshly used condoms come flying by, they land on the news paper and in the morning I get to read the news on a condom. Think of it like silly putty, just less "silly" and more "tragic."
Interesting. Anyway, here's my final question: what's the dating scene like for crazy people like yourself?
I fuck bricks.
Thanks for your time, Mitchy The Bug
Cram it, loser. {Via}