...but she did.
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
F*ck me, talk about Dyson with death.
Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.
"f*ck that" says Mick"have you seen how many of their owners go blind"
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on.
I said "You're pulling my leg"
I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.
They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.
A man walks into a welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer.
The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him...
"Where are you from? You sound English".
"I'm from across the Severn," replies the man nervously.
"What do you do, just across the Severn?".
"I'm a taxidermist."
"What on earth is one of those?".
"I mount animals."
"Its alright boys," shouts the barman he's one of us.
Spent £40 on eBay last week for a p*nis enlarger.
Just opened it and some bastard's sent me a magnifying glass!
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!
At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker.
Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.
At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.
What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
One's a superhero and the other is an instruction.
An old lady is being examined by the Dr.
He asks have you ever been bedridden?
She says yes I have and I've been table ended and backskuttled a few times too!
Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my arse!
Do you think I should change dentists?
A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back.
He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.
Paddy was explaining to Mick's wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said "I would like to come back as a cow."
I said "You are obviously not f--k--g listening".
Under new E.U. law the word "gypo" is no longer politically correct.
They have to be called (caravan utilising nomadic travelers) or C.*.N.*.S. for short.
Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten.
It's called a wedding cake.
I was in the pub with my wife last night and i said "I love you".
She said is that you or the beer talking ?
I replied "It's me talking to the beer".
Hi mate i don't want you to panic but I'm texting you from the casualty dept.
Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what i thought it was.