A teacher instructs her fifth-grade class to ask their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end. The next day the kids come in and share their stories: "My daddy told me about my uncle Dave," says one boy. "He was a pilot in Vietnam and had to bail out over enemy territory with nothing but a flask of whisky, a pistol and a knife. He drank the whisky during the drop, then landed in the middle of 20 enemies. He shot 15, stabbed 3 and killed the last 2 with his bare hands." "What is the moral of this horrible story?" yelps the mortified teacher.
"Stay away from Uncle Dave when he's drinking."
A teacher tells her third grade class that every Friday there will be a one question exam. If any student gets the question correct, he or she will be granted Monday off from school. The first Friday rolls around and the teacher stops her lesson plan early.
"Okay class, take out a piece of paper and a pencil and write down the answer to this question: how many grains of sand are there in the Sahara desert?"
Of course, everyone gets the question wrong and has to attend class on Monday.
Come next Friday the teacher stops her lesson plan a bit short again.
"Alright class, take out a piece of paper and a pencil and write down the answer to this question: how many stars are there in the universe?"
Again, everyone gets it wrong; they all have to report to class on Monday.
The next Thursday night, little Billy goes home, takes two of his father's golf balls, shades them completely with a black sharpie and puts them in his backpack.
The next day in class the teacher stops the lecture early once more.
"Okay class, take out a piece of paper and a pencil and write down the answer to this question:"
Just then, little Billy takes the golf balls out of his backpack and rolls them down the aisle, where they bump into the front wall and begin bouncing up and down.
"Okay," says the teacher, "who's the comedian with the black balls?"
"Chris Rock, see ya Tuesday."
Moral of the story: Little Billy grew up to be Barack Obama, the President of the United States. Someday this could be you, too.
A son goes to his father and ask him to explain the difference between figuratively and literally. The father tells the son that he should go to his mother and sister and ask them if they would sleep with the mailman for a million dollars. He goes to each of them and they both answer yes. He goes back to his father with their answers. His father now explains to him that figuratively we are sitting on 2 million dollars, literally we are living with two whores.
Moral: People are whores.
The FBI had an opening for an assassin.. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.'
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . . Kill her!!' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home..'
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'
The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes.. Take your wife home.'
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'
Moral: Women are crazy. Don't mess with them
One day, a little baby chicken is walking by a mud hole on the farm, when he hears the horse call for help. The horse has gotten stuck in the mud and yells to the chick to run to the barn, get the farmer's Mercedes Benz and come pull him out of the mud. So the little chick goes to the farm gets the car and comes and pulls him out of the mud.
A couple days later, the horse is walking by the same mud hole and he hears the little baby chick, who got stuck in the mud, call for help. The chick asks the horse to get the Mercedes to come pull her out of the mud. The horse says he does need to, and proceeds to step over the chick and flop his dick down so she can grab on, and he pulls her to safety.
The moral of the story: When you're hung like a horse, it doesn't take a Mercedes Benz to pick up chicks.
There was a little bird flying south for the winter when he gets caught in a big storm. The storm is violent, cold, filled with sleet, snow, ice, and the little bird is tossed high up into some clouds and freezes solid. The frozen bird drops like a rock and lands in a farmer's field. Soon, a wandering cow comes along and poops on the little bird. The poop is warm (of course) and proceeds to thaw out the little bird bringing him back to life. The bird is so happy to have survived the ordeal he sings, and sings at the top of his voice. Well, a fox in the field hears the singing, follows the sound, and pounces on the little bird, pulls it out of the crap, shakes it off and swallows it whole.
The end.
The moral of the story? Not everyone that craps on you is your enemy and not everyone that pulls you out of crap is your friend. So, as long as your alive, warm, and happy it's best to keep your mouth shut.