Thursday, March 25, 2010

I logged onto an old hotmail account the other day and there was a picture of her with some guy right after logging in, it almost made me shit myself.

Denny's CorporationImage via Wikipedia
I am not proud of it all.

It was about 1999 and the concept of getting laid on the internet was still somewhat mythical in nature. Bored one night, I went onto Yahoo Chats in my city, and decided to work it, just to see if it was possible. I worked up a private conversation with some girl that liked metal. I told her I had a band, and we were metal, then gave her a link to this website from some other band in town.

She immediately wants my phone number.

We BS for about 5 minutes, and she asks me what I am doing.

We made plans, and she's at my door in a half hour.

Now I had no idea about Myspace angles, but this girl's picture had all of the factors: Wearing all dark, pic from above, striking a three-point power ranger stance, huge hair to hide most of her body, a small amount of revealing titty crack for distraction. What can I say, life was a mystery to behold at that point.

The door opens to reveal a chick that must weigh 250+ lbs at the door, but she has a pretty face and a tongue ring, and it's not like I have to do anything with her. So I invite her in to chat, and the more she talks the worse it gets. She acts like a five year old, and is almost immediately irritating. I decide to try and get her out of there before my roommate gets back because she is seriously becoming an obnoxious nightmare. Finally, I got her stoned thinking it would slow her down. Nope.

So I plod her out to the metal show we were going too. She gets hungry on the way there, and we stop at a Denny's (her choice).

Her order: Two Belgian Waffles, with whipped cream, and a chocolate shake.

Uhm, Okay, I honestly giggled thinking she was exhibiting an advanced sense of humor. She looked up and said, What? "I love sugar!".

I watched her clear the entire thing in about 15 minutes. Thoroughly disgusted, my balls retreated into my body cavity from shock.

We ate, and then she wanted to skip the show and go chill out for a bit, and maybe go to another party that I had told her about. Oh shit, I thought, it was more of a friendly cook out then a party, and I didn't want her around people from work.

So I play cool, and take her back to my place, hoping my roommate isn't there.

He isn't, thank god.

At this point we sit down and watch some TV. Slowly the time approaches to go to the cookout, and I decided to do a move my brother taught me called, "Pulling an Elvis". It's pretty simple, if you have guests over and they won't leave, and you can't get the balls to tell them to leave. You fall asleep on the couch, and spread out as far as possible.

I wasn't really that sleepy so I faked nodding off a bit with a little yawning, to show her signs that I was sleepy. Some people pick up on this and leave at that point. Not her though. Then I truly fell asleep.

I awoke to her sucking my dick. When she realized I was awake. She stopped and said, "Tell me something that turns you on about me". Still groggy. I said the first least insulting thing I could think of, "your tits are gigantic". Without hesitation she responded, "good enough".

At that point, I figured what the hell. I am into this for a couple of waffles and a shake. May as well, it might be fun.

Naked, she was seriously unappealing to me in almost every sense of the term, but like most girls in her position she made fuck, with a catering eager frenzy. At that point, her tongue ring was a shiny pearl, albeit surrounded by a sarlacc, still a pearl is a pearl, is a pearl.

When I bagged up, I tried penetrating her and the folds on, in, and around her shaved mound, and gunt, seriously perplexed me as if it was two va-jay's or something. No shit, I tried to penetrate her enormous urethra, she called me on it with a "what the fuck", and I just told her I was getting acquainted with the goods. She then said that she was concerned that I wasn't going to work the sidewalls, all I could think was that thing is almost as big as a family size can of soup, and that not many men could. While we were doing it though she blurted out, "Keep on working the spot, Boy!". Which I thought was one of the weirder things blurted out to me during sex.

For the first time, I had to think about porn in order to cum, she wanted more, but I said the only option was to rinse the one condom I had already used. No shit she, picked it up off the floor, and sucked the cum out of it and went and rinsed it off, for later.

I fell asleep and woke up to her sucking my dick again, and then putting the old condom back on. We did it again.

I fell asleep again, when I awoke, she was gone.

All I could think, when it was all said and done was, "Fuck the internet".

I got up, did my morning thing, and then went to the fridge for some breakfast, no shit all the cheese was gone. She ate 8 pieces of American cheese at some point during the night, my roommate had not come home that night.

I got a couple of calls from her the next day, and finally just told her that I felt really guilty for cheating on my girl friend, but I had an awesome time. Both lies.

Worst one night stand ever.