Friday, March 19, 2010

I don't like jail, they got the wrong kind of bars in there. ~ Charles Bukowski

Prison Break - Season 1 [Blu-ray]
Kilmainham GaolImage by Corey Leopold via Flickr

Your jail survival guide.

1)Stay away from tattoos. Prison ink is guaranteed Hepatitis.

2)Don't fall into the Mentor/new guy trap. Some dude will try and "help you out" as the new guy. Politely decline. You will end up HIS bitch, or he will sell you to someone as a bitch.

3)Don't fucking do drugs while in jail. You'll probably have an easier time finding drugs in jail than you could in the streets. You get into bad debt real fast with a drug habit.

4)Get all the money you can together, get your family to put it on your books as soon as you get there. Little luxuries like packaged food and cigarettes(if they allow them) will keep you sane, not to mention they are de facto jail currency. Don't be ashamed to bribe someone with luxuries to get in good favor, or ease a hurt ego. If you think anyone has beef with you, pay it off.

5)Don't try and be a badass, but dont' be a bitch. If someone mouths off to you, walk away. If someone pisses you off, walk away. If someone instigates with you, walk away. There is always someone bigger and more dangerous than you in jail. That being said, don't just roll over for everything. You need to be exercising EVERY day, as much as you can. It will make the time go faster, and you'll "look" and "be" better able to defend yourself. Hold you head up, act confident, if you find yourself in a fight situation that you can't buy out of/escape from. Put your back to the wall, make ALOT of noise so the guards will notice, watch for secondary threats. (Most prison attacks are group affairs, you fight with one guy, and his friend that you've never said a word to shanks your ass).

6)Stay the fuck awake. Most newbies will try and sleep their time up. All this does is make you more of a target, deteriorates your physical and mental health, and wastes your time. Your incarcerated, not dead. If your jail doesn't have a furthering education class, enroll in drug counseling....or mental health counseling, or whatever. Keep your mind busy. Start working on your job resume so you can hit the streets ready to go. at the very least, File a damn appeal. Most likely nothing will come of it, but it will keep your occupied with a goal to accomplish, and you may luck out and get a resentencing.

7)If you get the opportunity to become a trustee, take it, no matter what it is. The highest sought after jobs are Kitchen workers, but even working a chainsaw clearing trees off of power lines is better than sitting in a cell all day. Once you become a trustee, DON'T FUCK IT UP. Somebody will always try and get you to smuggle them sugar from the kitchen, or extra socks from the laundry, or pickup some smack off the side of the road you are picking up. DON'T. Politely decline, tell them you were going insane sitting in your cell all day, and you can't risk losing the job.

8)Don't narc on fellow inmates. Shut your damn mouth and say, "I didn't see anything", or "I don't know what happened". the guards will make nice with you, and clap you on the back for helping them find that hooch. But then they are going to leave, and you are going to stay in your cell with some very pissed off inmates. Unless it directly involves you and your safety, it doesn't involve you. The only time you should narc on an inamte is if they have made an attempt to harm you. Not just talked about it, actually attacked you or pulled a shank.

9)Shanks are great, if you're an accomplished knife fighter that doesn't care about spending a month in 23 hr lockdown if you get caught. Don't bring a weapon to a fight if you can have it taken from you, because it will be used on you. Even if you get into a shank fight with another inmate that has one, and you win, you still lose. Because you WILL get cut up just as bad, or worse case, you kill someone, and now you just slapped a 25 yr prison sentence on the back end. To defend against someone with a shank, extend your hands outwards with a slight bend in the elbows directly in front of you. Turn your palms to your face ( a knife slash across the back of the hand is better than your wrist or palm) Get into an open area and move constantly away from your assailant, trying to get as close to the main door as possible, because that's where your only help is coming from. Swat downwards at the hands and arms of your attacker if they try and slash or stab, to knock the blade away from your torso, head, and groin. Keep moving backwards, but don't turn your back. Keep moving.

10)Don't...fuck..up...again. Despite your idealogies and beliefs, Marijuana is still illegal. Getting caught with it will result in the same shit as before. As soon as you get out, Move. Move as far away as you can from where you were living before. Get a job, get new friends, start school, leave every negative influence in your life behind.

edit #11) Don't be a dick. Be nice to your fellow inmates. Talk to them, respect their culture and heritage. Since it's jail, you probably won't get as much pressure to join a gang, but decline if you are offered. Give them shit from time to time, share cigarettes, toss them a hostess cake, whatever. Don't gamble on card games. Play only friendly games. If you lose, you lose. If you win, you lose, because now someone's pissed at you for winning. Don't try and be an aloof loner, but don't get to cozy with anyone. These are not people to hang out with on the outside. Don't believe a FUCKING thing they tell you, and don't pry into their personal lives. If they say they're in jail for burglary, they're in jail for Arson, aggravated assault, and burglary. If they say they're in jail for murder, they're in jail for DWI. IF they say they're in jail for Embezzlement, they're in jail for raping two nine yr old girls. Keep it on the level of coworkers that you aren't friends with. Talk nice to them when they are around, don't talk about them when they aren't. Discuss neutral things like sports, health care reform, the hotness of actresses, etc. Don't get locked in to discussing criminal activities, family problems, other inmates, or religion.