JIM MORRISON

Here Is A Dare. Read It With A Straight Face.

Image by dno1967 via Flickr

My mum practically kicked my ass out of the house before I even hit 13, and I never even met my dad. My only friend till I was 10 was the faggot prick next door who was always beating the shit out of me and telling me I wasn’t worth shit. Its not even like I had a choice, the town fucking had something like 9 people living in it, I shit you not. My entire adolescence was just moving around from place trying to get along with people who didn’t even want me. You think that’s the worst? My only friend was an Asian guy in his thirties or something, who only kept me around because he thought I could help him get laid. The only perk was that I also got to hang around with this cute ginger chick, she was flat as a pancake sure, but damn she was a total nymph. She must have been a sadist or something cause she always took pleasure in hitting me and telling me how she loved to get wet. But dear god the bane of my existence was this adult couple that I could NOT seem to avoid. You know these types of couples that are absolutely sickening, like they wear matching outfits and finish each other’s sentences? Yeah they were fucking creepers, and they had a cat, which was at least twice as annoying as they were, I swear this thing would never shut the fuck up. Like I said I ended up moving from town to town getting into fights with other kids my age, even adults from time to time. The only thing that kept me going was my dream to become a pokemon master.

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My job is so fucking unbelievable. I’ll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:

First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. She is extremely self-centered and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.

The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career oppertunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I’m not sure she even showers, much less shaves her “womanly” parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store, she moans like a cat in heat.

But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the fucking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I’m sure after work. He probably hasn’t been sober anytime in the last ten years, and he’s only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960’s, and to make things worse, he brings his big fucking dog to work. Every fucking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it’s trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonalds and Burger King, every single fucking day.

Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit.

Dead Wolf! That's a nice little quote that sums up what they saw. I've always liked it since I saw it.

Is she supposed to be a new super hero, “THE RECYCLER”?

That's an acute error. Oh! come on, there's no need to be so obtuse. Hey! Guys let's not get off on a tangent here..

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Usually everyone who has a dog would call the dog Rover or something. I call mine "Sex". Sex is a very embarrassing name, but I never knew HOW embarrassing until one day I took Sex for a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for him. A police officer came along and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I was looking for Sex."

My court case comes up next Thursday.

One day I went to City Hall to get a license for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted, I told him I wanted a license for Sex. He said "I would like to have one too!" When I said "But this is a dog," he said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was two years old." He replied, "You must have been a strong boy."

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole lifestyle revolves around Sex." He said he did not want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in a church. I told him everyone coming to the wedding would enjoy having Sex there. The next day we were married by the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church.

My wife and I took the dog along with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the motel I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and myself and a special room for Sex. The clerk said that every room in the Motel is for Sex. Then I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night", and the clerk said,"Me too."

One day I told my friend that I had Sex on TV. He said, "Show off!" I told him it was a contest, and he told me I should have sold tickets. When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married" and the Judge said, "Me too." When I told him that after I was married Sex had left me, he said, "Me too."

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever gambled for. Why just the other day when I went for my first visit with the psychiatrist and she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Well, Sex has died and left my life. It's like losing a best friend and it's so lonely." The doctor said, "Look Mister, you and I both know that sex isn't man's best friend. Why not get yourself a dog?"

Sexual positions are never SFW unless you're screwing the boss.

Agreed. She's pretty much screwed.

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A woman went to the service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work. The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special Sale.

Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming,

'PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!! !'

The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front of a growing crowd of customers.

The manager comes to the woman and asks, 'Ma'am what's wrong?' She explains the problem with the toaster, and he also tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special Sale.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screams,

'PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!'

which begins to draw an even bigger crowd!

In shock, the store manager pleads, 'Ma'am, why are you saying that?'

In a huff, the woman says,

'BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED!'