I am not asking you to laugh. I am telling you jokes.

Image by Malingering via Flickr

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, ‘Name seven advantages of Mothers Milk,’ worth 70 points or none at all. One student who had also partied the night before, was hard put to think of seven advantages.
He wrote:

1.) It is perfect formula for the child.

2.) It provides immunity against several diseases.

3.) It is always the right temperature.

4.) It is inexpensive.

5.) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.

6.) It is always available as needed.

And then, the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell indicating the end of the test rang, he w rote…

7.) It comes in such cute containers.

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A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner’s wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:

Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain…do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”

His wife responds:

“He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”

***************

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, “You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn’t anyone around” he stated in a telephone interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged ‘need.’ “Guess I was really into it, you know?” he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

“It was an unusual situation, that’s for sure,” said officer Taylor. “I walked up to Lawrence and he’s just banging away at this pumpkin.”

Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence.

“I said, “Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you’re having sex with a pumpkin?”

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said…

“A pumpkin? Shit…is it midnight already?”