Clean, plain, drunk jokes.. .
Subject: Seatbelt competition
A police man pulled over a car and told the driver he had won
$5.000 dollars in the seatbelt competition.
"What are you going to with the money?" asked the police man.
"Well, I guess im gonna get a drivers license", he answered.
"Oh, don't listen to him," said a woman in the passenger seat,
"He always lies alot when he is drunk."
Then the kid in the backseat said, "I knew we wouldn t get far
on a stolen car."
At that moment there was a knock from the trunk and a voice
said, "Are we over the borders yet?"
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Subject: Drunk
After having had several drinks in a bar, a man staggers out
and starts walking down the road with one foot in the gutter
and the other on the curb.
A policeman runs up to the man and says, "Hey! You're drunk!".
Whereupon the man says, "Gee thanks, Officer, I thought I was crippled".
======================================================================
Subject: How many bars?
A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously
drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool
and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The
bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he
has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served
additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called
for him?
The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles,
climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door.
A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door
of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink.
The bartender comes over and, still politely - but more firmly,
refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again
offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a
moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door,
all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the
BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool,
gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The
bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that
he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either
a cab or the police will be called immediately.
The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless
anguish, cries "MAAAN! How many bars do you work at?
======================================================================
Subject: Decoy
One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly
rowdy bar for possible violations of the
driving-under-the-influence laws. At closing time, he saw
a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try
his keys on five different cars before he found his.
Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for
several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally,
he started his engine and began to pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver,
read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test.
The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer
demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied,
"Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."
======================================================================
Subject: Superman?
This business man goes up to a bar, located at the top of
the Empire State Building in New York. It looks like a nice
place. He takes a seat at the bar next to another guy.
"This is a really a nice place. I've never been here before,"
the first guy says.
"Oh really?", the other replies, "it's also a very special
bar".
"Why is that?", the first guy asks.
"Well, you see that painting on the far wall? That's an,
original Van Gogh. And this stool I'm sitting on was on the
Titanic."
"Gee, that's amazing!", the first guy says.
"Not only that, but you see that window over there, the fourth
one from the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside
that window. If you jump out you'll fall only about 50 feet
before an updraft catches you and you're pushed back up."
"No way, that's impossible", the first guy replies.
"Not at all, take a look", the other man replies and walks
over to the window, followed closely by the first man. He
opens the window, climbs up on the sill, and falls out.
He drops 10... 20... 30... 40... 50 feet, comes to a stop,
and whoosh! He comes right back up and floats back in through
the window.
"See, it's fun! You should try it", he says.
"Try it, I don't even believe I saw it!", the first man
exclaims.
"It's easy. Watch, I'll do it again". And with that, he
falls out the window again. He drops 10... 20... 30... 40...
50 feet.
Once again, he comes to a stop, and whoosh! He sails right
back up and floats safely through the window.
"Give it a try, it's a blast," he says.
"Well, what the heck, it does look like fun. I believe I will
give it a try", the first man says. He climbs up on the
window sill, and proceeds to fall out the window. He falls
10... 20... 30... 40... 50... 60...
70...
80...
90..
100 feet, and splat! He ends up on the sidewalk.
After watching the first man fall to his death, the other guy
casually closesthe window and heads back to the bar. As he
sits down and orders another drink.
The bartender arrives with the drink and says, "You know,
Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk!"
