A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring.
The older doctor suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complained, ” I’ve been a little sick to my stomach.”
The older doctor said, “Well, you’ve probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why don’t you cut back on the amount you’ve been eating and see if that does the trick?”
As they left the younger man said, “You didn’t even examine that woman. How’d you come to your diagnosis so quickly?”
“I didn’t have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick.”
“Hmmm,!” the younger doctor said, “Pretty clever. I think I’ll try that at the next house.”
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn’t have the energy she once did.
“I’m feeling terribly run down lately.”
“You’ve probably been doing too much extra work for the church,” the younger doctor told her. “Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.”
As they left, the elder doc said, “Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?
“Well, just like you did at the last house , I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed.
****
A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot.
One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them.
Generally the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something she carried in her bag.
The couple assumed she was selling drugs, and debated calling the cops, but since they didn’t know for sure they just continued to watch her.
After a couple of weeks the wife said, “Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?”
He hadn’t, and said so. \ Then she said, “Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she’s really doing.”
Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.
Well, is she selling drugs?” she asked excitedly.
“No, she’s not,” he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.
“Well, what is it, then? What does she do?” his wife fairly shrieked.
The man grinned and said, “Her name is Sally, and she’s a battery salesperson”
“Batteries?” cried the wife.
“Yes,” he replied.
SCROLL DOWN .
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A little bit more…
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She sells C cells by the seashore.
****
Wiremu, a New Zealander, was in Australia to watch the upcoming Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor.
“Hey doc, I dun’t feel so good, ey” said Wiremu.
The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal.
“No way doc” replied Wiremu “I’m gitting a sicond opinion ey!”
The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.
Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from > someone he could trust.
The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: “Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv prostate suckness ey”
“What’s the cure thin doc ?” asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.
“Wull, Wiremu”, said the Kiwi doctor “Wi’re gonna huv to cut off your balls.”
“Phew, thunk god for thut!” said Wiremu, “those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!”
****
One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring.
“Where did you get that ring?” her husband asks.
“Well,” she replies, “My boss and I played the lotto and we won, so bought it with my share of the winnings.”
A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat. “Where did you get that coat?” her husband asks.
She replies “My boss and I played the lotto and we won again, so I bought it with my share of the innings.” Another week later, his wife comes home, driving a flaming red Ferrari. “How could you afford that car?” her husband asks. You guessed it, Her share of the lotto winnings!
That night, the wife asks her husband to run her a nice warm bath while she gets undressed. When she enters the bathroom, she finds that there is barely enough water in the bath to cover the plug. “What’s this?” she asks her husband. “Well,” he replies, “we don’t want to get your lotto ticket wet, do we?!”
****
After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.
Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.
“There might be some matches in the top drawer,” she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.
Naturally, the guy began to worry.
“Is this your husband?” he inquired nervously.
“No, silly,” she replied, snuggling up to him.
“Your boyfriend then?” he asked.
“No, not at all,” she said, nibbling away at his ear.
“Well, who is he then?” demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, “That’s me before the operation.”
****
A FEW SHORT ONES TO BRIGHTEN UP YOUR DAY
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
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My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
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Marriage is a three-ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
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For Sale:
Wedding dress, size 8.
Worn once by mistake.
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There are two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman:
Before marriage and after marriage.
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Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
Because when they arrive, they’re wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.
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The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.
“Look Miss,” said the foreman, “have you any actual experience in picking lemons?”
“Well, as a matter if fact, yes!” she replied.? “I’ve been divorced three times.”
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Reason Why It’s So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
All the DNA is the same.
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I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.
Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, “So which six items would you like to buy?”
Wouldn’t it be great if that happened more often?
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Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. “Young man, we’re both 90 years old,” the husband said. “We may not have 45 minutes.”
They were seated immediately.
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The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they’ve passed.
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All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle.
They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
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Three friends from the local congregation were asked, “When you’re in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you,
what would you like them to say?”
Artie said: “I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader,and a great family man.”
Eugene commented: “I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people’s lives.”
Al said: “I’d like them to say, “Look, he’s moving!”
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John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
“Give me one last request, dear,” he said.
“Of course, John,” his wife said softly.
“Six months after I die,” he said, “I want you to marry Bob.”
“But I thought you hated Bob,” she said. With his last breath John said,
“I do!”
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A man goes to see the Rabbi.
“Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.”
The Rabbi asked, “What’s wrong?”
The man replied, “My wife is poisoning me.”
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, “How can that be?”
The man then pleads, “I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s poisoning me, what should I do?”
The Rabbi then offers, “Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.”
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, “Well, I spoke to your wife.
I spoke to her on the phone for three hours.
You want my advice?”
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied,
“Take the poison”